Camping Close to Home Not for All

By: Donald and Kimberly Bell didbydb@yahoo.com

Our camping trip started out as a romantic get-a-way for two; I envisioned days of sleeping late, snuggling together under a sky of stars, whispering words only lovers share, roasting marshmallows by the fire, and fishing and oh yes, bike rides exploring the great out doors.

How could she have thought a camping trip was romantic? Any experienced camper knows you don't sleep late in a campground. Snuggling, no way, if its not pouring down rain the mosquitoes will drive you insane .Burning marshmallows and your fingers would be more accurate, women shouldn't be allowed to fish and bike riding at my age should never be done.

We spent days shopping for camping gear.  We purchased a tent, a screen house, sleeping bags, bamboo tiki lights, lanterns, fishing poles, lures, and more.  There was no end to the selection of out door living supplies available.  I cringed at the idea of how much it was all going to cost, but reassured myself at how much we were going to save if we camped instead of staying in a motel.  Wrong.

I was the one who foolishly thought we could save money by camping. I was right; we spent about half the money, and still have the camping equipment to save for the next trip. Now, if we can just manage to keep it for about twenty years we might use it again.

Our troubles started on day one.  We had agreed on what we would take; one bag and one cooler along with the camping gear and one car.  We departed with four coolers, three bags, tools, and more food than a family of ten could eat and two cars. The ride took all of twenty minutes since Tim's Ford campground was only seventeen miles from home.

What she hasn't told you is we live on "Tim's Ford Lake", have a deck overlooking this beautiful breathtaking scene and can walk down to the water in minutes. From this dream home we drove twenty minutes to rough it on that same lake but with an hour walk to the water.

Our arrival at the campground started out with a simple task.  Choose a campsite.  An hour later and hubby looking like he was ready to blow, we went to work setting up camp.

She forgot to mention, we had already made the trip four times the previous weekend to pick a campsite. We had written down numbers of sites she preferred. Did she choose any one of those predetermined sites? NO!

I pulled out the tent instructions and began to read as any well breed woman would; while hubby, trying to prove his manhood worked on setting up the tent.  I heard a crash and looked up to find that the tent had collapsed on top of hubby's head.  I really did try hard not to laugh as I untangled his legs from the tarp.  He muttered a few ungentlemanly words, and retreated to read the instructions.

Any real man knows to read the directions when all else fails so that's what I did.

By dark the tent was up, the supplies unpacked, when we both agreed we were famished.  The fire was easy enough to start but green wood does not burn for very long.  We quickly speared a hotdog attempting to roast it over the fire that refused to stay lit.  Finally, I settled on a half-warm, half-cold hotdog covered in ashes.  Did I mention roasting marshmallows by a romantic campfire?

What? She must have expected a candle light dinner. Women just cant separate camp cooking from home cooking. Of course there were ashes on each end of the hot dogs with one burnt and the other raw. Don't they realize you are supposed to eat from the center and throw the ends away?

With something in our stomachs resembling food we decided to retire. Hubby got out the equipment to inflate the air mattress and spent the next hour with the electric pump whining loudly before realizing he had to pull the inflation valve out. By then our neighbors had started muttering loudly about what kind of idiot sets up camp this late.

Well, at least I had the good sense to bring an electric pump. What was she going to do, go to sleep by passing out from blowing up the mattress with her lungs. I had to use a pair of vice grips to pull the valve out and I did have a sleeping bag and four pillows on the pump to muffle the whining. The neighbors were probably city people without the good sense to cover their ears with pillows. Besides it wasn't much after midnight when I finished.

Finally, we went to change into our sleep attire and I still had hopes to do some snuggling, but after fighting off a mosquito for the better part of an hour, we gave up and went to sleep, that is until Mother Nature woke me up at 2 a.m.  I woke my better half to walk with me to the restroom since he was the one who picked the campsite a mile from the nearest facilities.  Grumbling the entire trip to and from the restroom, I think I heard him say something about women, and Adam, and Eve, and an apple.  He must have still been dreaming.

Did I get a thank you for walking her to the facilities of course not and besides it wasn't but a half mile anyway.

I realized when I awoke the following morning that things were not going as planned, but being a resourceful woman I went with plan B.  We moved camp.  There just happened to be an empty campsite directly across from the restroom, located on the corner entrance into the campground.  We wouldn't have to worry about burning a lantern at night what with the spotlights shining directly at our site.

Now didn't she make moving camp sound easy? Let me ask you. Have you ever tried to sleep with spotlights burning holes thru the tent? She should have hung a bucket of water with a hole in it to drip on my forehead so she could claim me crazy from the Chinese Torture Chamber

At least we didn't need the instructions setting up the tent the second time.  I decided to appease my man and sent him off to fish while I prepared breakfast, except I forgot to ask him how the propane cook stove worked.  Did I mention being resourceful.  I jumped in our Volvo and headed to the local Hardees in the near by town of Winchester.  Three sausage and biscuits, an order of hash browns and two yard sales later, (I couldn't resist) I arrived back just in time to greet my hungry hubby.  Ill never forget the look on his face when I presented him with breakfast and a new toilet seat cover, a bargain at 25 cents.  I also purchased some toys for the kids, books, a box of yarn, a large antique mirror, and of course a few knickknacks.  Hubby is rarely speechless, so he surprised me when he didn't say anything, just grabbed the sack of food and walked away.  Talk about being unappreciated, well I never.

I went off fishing because she wouldn't touch the propane stove. Afraid it would blow up, I guess. I have never actually seen one blow up but there have been tales. Breakfast was cold sausage, eggs and biscuit, after all when you buy food and go to yard sales for three hours what would you expect.

The rest of the trip was not a complete disaster.  After tossing out the spoiled meat, two steaks, four pork chops, three pounds of hamburger, we headed to the local diner, for supper and feasted on pizza and ice cream.  We never did gaze at the stars or whisper sweet nothings in each others ear, but I did learn a little about roughing it.

No not a complete disaster, just almost. The meat wasn't really spoiled so I hid it under the ice and returned it to the freezer at home. Waste Not Want Not I always say. Now I have to say the pizza and ice cream was great considering it was the first meal we had on the trip. She shouldn't be worrying about the star gazing anyway because it was raining most of the trip. I did take her out in the back yard at home and showed them to her. As I have said for the past twenty-five years "anything less than a Holliday Inn is camping out.

---------------

Editors Note: Tim's Ford is a wonderful place to camp. The staff and camp sites are some of the best I have ever seen and I have camped at many. Our experiences were great and we spend a lot of time there .We like being critical of each other. It keeps us happy!

Bell Buckle Links

www.bellbuckleecho.com